Friday, February 18, 2011

Underwear Etiquette: Going Out or Bottoms Up!

My group of guy friends and I go out a lot, at some points I think we live for the weekends. One of the guys has named our group “The Glitter”, which pretty much defines the group. At last count we roll ten deep, and are well on our way to having a reality show on Logo—then when ratings are high enough we will jump-ship to Bravo. Think Real Housewives of Atlanta mixed with the A-List and a whole lot of Sex and the City thrown in for good measure. I am the self proclaimed Carrie Bradshaw of the group. (However the other nine may argue that—watch for their comments below) I love my guys to death; I would give them an organ if they ever needed it, excluding my liver, something about all the vodka tells me it probably wouldn’t be of much use. I digress; there is an actual point to this post. I am known for judging hard, that’s probably indicative of why I review underwear as a hobby, and I am judging them for their underwear. I suppose judging one of them for his addiction to Taco Bell at 3:00 am would be more appropriate, but I’d much rather judge their boxers. Now don’t get me wrong, all nine of them aren’t guilty of bad choices in the underwear drawer; several of them actually have taste that I am envious of. The other night one of them pulls me aside at the bar “I found your blog yesterday” at that point I just started stuttering. (In my mind I just kept thinking “please say Simplicity, please say Simplicity (which is my personal blog) don’t say M.U.B.”) He replies with “I ordered so many pairs of underwear today” BUSTED! (at this point I had only told one of “The Glitter” about this blog, and it wasn’t him.) So now that “The Glitter” knows about me being a contributor to M.U.B. it has me thinking about what, in my opinion, one should wear when going out. As a group of single twenty-somethings no one really ever knows who is still going to have their pants on by the end of the night, so a good pair of underwear is imperative. Over the past couple weeks, and over many glasses of vodka I have put together my list of tips, anecdotes, and comments on what underwear are good to be found in after the sun sets on a weekend night.
  1. 1) Skip the boxers. Period. End of Story. In my humble, and somewhat biased, opinion one should never wear boxers when drinking. Why, you may ask. My biggest reason is, well when you’re dancing (read grinding) you never know which direction your lil’ guy is gonna go, but I say things are only going up from here. So you need some support, or a lot of support. Wear something that is fitting to the body. Secondly boxers just aren’t sexy, personally seeing a guy in boxers is a huge turnoff. For me boxers are just downright uncomfortable to dance in, but for the love of God do not think I am giving you permission to go commando.  UMan adds: I agree.  One should really never wear boxers. 
  2. 2) Wear dark colors. By wearing navy or black you minimize the appearance of sweat or spilled liquor on your undies. Every weekend you will find me religiously in a pair of black boxerbriefs. This rule goes hand in hand with number three.
  3. 3) Keep it simple. Patterns are fun, colors are great, and by no means should you ever wear anything boring.
  4. 4) Stay classy. You’re out, you’re meeting potential partners, friends, or dates, don’t scare them off by revealing the waistband of a jock strap or the string of a g-string when you “dip-it-low.” I personally am most comfortable taking my pants off in front of someone if I’m wearing a pair of boxerbriefs, but there is nothing wrong with a good pair of briefs. Just save the mesh, metallic, or studded undies for nights of sobriety. If you want to scare a potential partner off just strip down to a mesh thong or tuxedo patterned pair of boxers. Keep it classic and keep it classy and chances are it won’t be too hard to avoid going home alone at the end of the night. Look for a forthcoming post on these types of underwear… and exactly why the hell I have a box full of them.
  5. 5) Go for quality. Hanes and Fruit of the Looms were good and well when we were kids, heck they are what I wore until I turned 14, but we’re all adults here, so unless you’re working in a field or digging a ditch wear something of quality. If you’re dancing/getting blackout drunk there is a good chance your waistband is going to show at some point, so dress to impress.
  6. 6) Be original. No explanation needed.
  7. 7) This one is my bonus type… If you plan on getting black-out, take your own bedding, it makes spending the night on the bathroom floor a whole lot more comfortable.
To make things even easier I have picked a few of my favorites for wearing out:




So it is almost the weekend, and I hope you are going out at some point, but are you and your undies ready? If so, put a sexy pair on, go out, have a drink, have another, then have a vodka in my honor, (Ketel One) and have a damn good night. Bottoms Up!
…oh and don’t judge if you see “The Glitter” and me at Taco Bell… just blame it on the red head.

2 comments:

JayToday said...

Loved this post.
Honestly I'm tired of people wearing designer jeans, almost too tight t-shirts that fits like hot sex on a sunday afternoon and somehow manage to wear 2$ underwear.. It just blows my mind why they wouldn't just go all the way and dress proper !

Moreover, i'm itching to get a pair of the new Slip trunks in some sort of fun color. I been seeing them everywhere online and I need some. haha

And don't be too hard on the redhead - we're people too!
We just like what we like, and you ain't gonna say otherwise :P

UMan said...

Well said Jay. I definitely agree, why wear all the designer gear if you're cheap undies are going to still be in the picture? It just cheapens the whole look. And as I've pointed out before, wearing designer underwear (and letting it show a bit) and less expensive other clothes makes your whole outfit look more expensive. http://www.mensunderwearblog.com/2007/05/designer-underwear.html